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Facing Our shadows

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In a world that is already too deeply polarized, we have recently shifted even further in the direction of running from our shadows, assigning the content of our shadows, our worst fears, to other people or other groups, and dropping further into despondency as we feel less and less complete.

Why are we feeling so empty? Why do we feel so helpless? Why is our sense of purpose fading? Why do we feel some kind of darkness consuming us?

That darkness that is engulfing us is the collection of our own shadows we work so hard to separate, destroy, and eliminate from ourselves. Our specific shadows are the first aspects we notice in others that are most offensive to us.

I came across this amazing image on Amazon! Not exactly the company to support, yet, the perfect image was there. To credit who created it, here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Modern-Sculpture-Silhouette-Hangings-23-6IN/dp/B0CP7R6VFX

Through this image, we can see that the further we run from our feared shadows living in our hidden darkness, the more we lose the roots of who we truly are. However, if we completely sever our roots, we won’t be able to sustain the visible part of our lives on the surface. We lose our grounding, and we lose our vitality and sustenance to truly live.

Once we face our shadows, shine our own light on them, accept them despite how we wish we didn’t have such “unacceptable” characteristics, we become our complete selves. As we continue to look directly at our shadows, they shrink and lose their monstrous terror. By accepting them as a part of us, our shadows integrate with our light and transform from grotesque, hidden secrets to be projected onto others into innovative superpowers we have learned to love, arming us with the gift of emanating harmony to all around us.

Accepting and integrating one’s shadows is not easy work. As much as I understand the process, I’m still deep in the bowels of my own shadow work that has taken years for me to begin to make progress. Yet, the more I seek out, discover, expose, and accept my shadows, the more I become able to feel and know who I am. My purpose in this world is slowly breaking through the surface from the ground where I am able to start seeing small pieces of why I’m meant to live this life, this strange life in a very, very strange and chaotic world.

If you are feeling lost, despondent, and helpless in how to find meaning and purpose in a world that is currently composed of far more shadows than light, consider digging into your own shadow work. By reclaiming your own shadows and integrating them with your own light, you will be doing your part in cleaning out some of the excess, confusing shadows that have overcrowded our planet. Once you have integrated enough of your own shadows, you’ll feel your connection to your roots, your purpose, and clearly see your pathway to being a part of healing a planet that is currently very troubled.

Interventions, Helpful or Harmful?

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No matter the setting, healthcare, education, or any other field designed to assist with growth, repair, and improving quality of life, unnecessary interventions disrupt the natural growth and/or healing process, frequently leading to some form of damage or trauma.

Interventions that are truly necessary and appropriately matched to one’s unique challenges provide the amount and type of help needed for the individual to continuously remain attuned to their own needs and maintain their knowledge of and belief in self. This scenario allows one to naturally release the interventions when they are no longer required.

For those who are in a position to determine what interventions another person will receive, attunement to the unique individual is essential! Lack of attunement and the application of inappropriate interventions frequently create trauma while also blurring an individual’s ability to identify and understand their own needs.

With a higher goal of preventing trauma and prioritizing the empowerment of all individuals and allowing those who will be affected to continue to see their own value and actively engage in their own lifetime growth, any intervention must be determined by heavily considering the contributions, perspectives, and other unique characteristics that are learned by attuning with the one who will receive the interventions.

In a culture that prioritizes teaching individuals to listen to others while ignoring how they see and experience the world, many may initially struggle to have the level of introspection required to determine what is best for them. When one is challenged by the task of introspection, the most important intervention to take place first is to gently guide that person through discovering how to value their experiences enough to learn from them and develop the skill to self advocate and eventually self accommodate.

Meaningful support and interventions that having a lasting positive impact on both the body and mind of the affected individual are created by that person or one who is deeply attuned to that person being a part of the collaborative process in determining appropriate interventions.

Once interventions have been chosen, remain open and prepared to revise those decisions at any time. When growth is taking place, needs are frequently changing.

Interventions can be helpful or harmful. Maintaining awareness of the value and unique support needs of the person who may receive interventions is the best strategy for reducing harm and contributing to exponential growth!

Healing

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I am now gradually updating my website to reflect my primary life task at this time: healing.

For me to heal, I must consistently honor being in alignment with my intuitive core values.

As I integrate my past and present to transform into a more evolved version of myself, I look forward to writing about topics of interest to share insight, perspective, and a sense of purpose in life with any who wish to connect with what I feel guided to communicate.

When is it time to look for the good on the other political side in an attempt at finding common ground, and when is it time to take a stand and take action because the other side is causing a level of destruction that will destroy the whole country?

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When I learned of the January 6thdomestic terrorist actions happening at the Capitol, I was not surprised. Though there was much confusion about the details at the time, I found out in that moment that the people who broke in to the Capitol had been at a Trump rally just before their trip to the Capitol. 

I experienced no heightened fear about the fall of our government or a lack appropriate security on that day because I have felt this exact fear for four years. My only thought at the time was just a small bit of hope that those who have felt so confident that the current president is not propelling us toward the fall of our country might be able to see his danger and how far we’ve fallen to live in a country where our own citizens can break into the Capitol and come close to assassinating our vice president and other members of congress. 

In these days following the January 6thevent, I am seeing supporters of this current president post some of the good things he has done and some of the bad things the opposing side has done in an attempt to balance the political perspective. I’ve also seen requests for those who are firm in their dislike of the president to make more of an effort to see the good in him.

The continued support and request to acknowledge the good baffles me! Hitler did some good things for Germany. He was very popular; the people elected him! Those who voted for him were likely seeing positive changes in their lives based on Hitler’s policies. But where is the line? At what point do people notice that even though a leader is making some aspects of their lives improve that the lives of others are not only getting worse, but now they are in danger! 

There would have been a period of time under Hitler’s leadership where no one was necessarily being intentionally killed, but the climate had shifted to show that some groups of people were not safe. It started with the unfavored people being framed as being more problematic. And then they were described as the source of anything wrong in the country. A picture was painted that the unfavored groups deserved poor treatment and to be excluded, separated, and limited in where they could go.  It became patriotic to exclude and distance those who the leader did not like. 

How did Germany miss that moment and gradually yet somehow rapidly shift to concentration camps and intentional killing? Well, the people remained mesmerized and focused on their leader to a point that they couldn’t see that not only did he have some flaws, he was so consumed with power and control that he would nearly destroy their country and possibly the whole world. Supporters became so hypnotized by their leader, who was making their lives better, that they believed anything he said. When the environment transitioned to the extermination of people, they believed their leader when he expressed that those “other” people were harmful to the country. Hitler’s fans were at peace with his destruction to others because if they were treated poorly, they must deserve it. 

Why did some Germans have the ability to see the excluded groups as fellow humans while others believed everything that was told to them by Hitler? Much if it has to do with the relationships they had with people before Hitler was their leader. 

In any country or any environment, having many diverse relationships helps us maintain an understanding that all humans, are well, humans. We are all people with goals and ambitions, and we also all have fears and struggles.

The Germans who had already looked beyond a climate of more mild social discrimination to form diverse relationships would have been the ones most likely to have not been fooled by their charismatic leader’s claims of inferiority of “others.” They knew their friends and what Hitler told them did not match. 

Those who already lived lives where they mostly spent time with people just like them didn’t have relationships and experiences to counter their perspectives when they were taught by their leader that some people were problematic for their country. The isolation from diverse groups increased with the changing social climate of the country, and with continued lack of exposure, it became even easier to believe what they were told about people they didn’t even know.

Diverse relationships are so important for all of us. This has to be more than the one person from a different background you talk to when eating lunch at work. The relationships must be with several diverse people, and you must get to know them well enough to learn about their personal lives. If a friend is not white and you never hear about their experiences with racism and discrimination, that person is having to remain guarded around you. While a deeper relationship cannot be forced, it is helpful to learn more about perspectives that are different from yours through online research and books to educate yourself to a place where your diverse friends are comfortable enough around you to not have to keep certain topics private. It is not the job of the person you consider to be diverse to provide you with a full education on their culture. It’s just too exhausting for someone to go through a lifetime of information just to get you to understand a story. 

The goal for any of us is to understand different perspectives well enough that people will feel safe sharing the more painful parts of their lives. It’s not information we can request for anyone describe. It can only come up naturally when a person feels enough comfort in a relationship to discuss it. And if we truly care to get to know a person, we research background information on their culture ourselves so they don’t have to teach multiple lessons just to get us to a place where we can make sense of an experience that has a big impact on them.

Diverse relationships keep us from being vulnerable to leaders like Hitler who thrive on building up fears of people different from us. 

For America, I am very concerned, and looking for the good in Trump to find common ground with his supporters is not my goal. I’m sure there are good things he has done. He’s probably made some decisions that have made a positive impact on me. 

Doing some good things does not erase empowering and Nazis and white supremacists. Encouraging, supporting, and celebrating racism and instigating more fear of those who are different from us is so destructive that there is no room for this unity I hear of from his supporters. If I were in Germany during Hitler’s rise, I would have objected long before the days of concentration camps. And now I object and firmly reject a leader, who if he was allowed to continue in his position, would eventually create concentration camps, unprecedented levels of division, and finally the fall of our country. 

Just as our whole country seems to be baffled by Hitler’s supporters, I feel the same about Trump supporters. I don’t perceive Trump supporters as evil, and I have so much hope that they will start to come out of the spell he seems to have cast. 

Outside of this time on earth, I believe we are all of the same source and returning to the same source. If we can all see the danger of the intentional division Trump has created, I can see how we can move to a place of unity for our country as a whole. 

What’s a Doula? I’m a Doula Who Works in a Classroom!

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While our culture is coming around to being familiar with the concept of a doula, one who provides advice, information, emotional support, and physical comfort to a pregnant person before, during, and just after childbirth or one who provides guidance and support to the parent of a newborn baby, I am reaching a time in my doula career where I’m having to broaden the definition. 

In my early years of being a doula, I considered a few different perspectives to adopt until I settled into my own definition and philosophy. Fortunately, my core doula beliefs can be applied to many professions and are not only expressed by supporting expecting and new parents.

My philosophy surrounding birth and the postpartum time is to meet people where they are and maintain an atmosphere of respect. This maintains space for the people I’m supporting to grow, learn, and to find and listen to their own intuition. In this same space, those who I support also develop their comfort in stating their feelings, emotional or physical, and allowing my support to shift to their ever-changing needs. 

To me, what a person needs or feels is sacred. Nothing is too silly or insignificant. I know that respecting and honoring the small requests and the little details is what creates the experience of knowing the big feelings will be honored when they happen.

While I have felt great peace in settling into my doula philosophy, factors in my life have shifted me into what was initially less doula work and then, more recently, no traditional doula work. 

This shift began in early 2019 when I decided to return to the school system. I had recently gained some new skills in how to teach reading, and I was in a place where I needed to have more consistent work. I decided to apply for a reading intervention position, and I was hired! 

While I liked the reading intervention position, I didn’t know that I would be offered an even better position for the next school year. I moved to a new school where I took the teacher position for the alternative learning center. 

What is the alternative learning center? It’s a little, or a lot, different at every school. Where I work, it’s a small, quiet place where students can escape from the intensity of the regular school day. To keep my room from becoming crowded and busy like the rest of the school, only those who are assigned to my room by an administrator or a counselor can spend some or all of a school day with me. Students working through severe anxiety and students who are transitioning back to school after a major medical event may spend a few days in the alternative learning center. Additionally, students who could have been suspended might have the option to spend time in my room instead. Finally, students who would have been assigned to in-school suspension are assigned to me as well.  

What do I do with these students? Is this hard to manage? First, the small number of students and administrative support is key to making this experience successful for everyone in the room. But really, it’s not hard for me at all! Why? I’m a doula before I’m an educator. I view all students, no matter why they are assigned to me, to be in a place that is similar to transition in birth. In birth, the transition stage is a time for the doula to be present, consistently attuned to needs, and to meet those needs. Transition is that last, most intense part of labor before it’s time to start pushing to ultimately meet the baby. 

For the students, I support them in the same way I would if I were working as a birth doula. I am present, and I respond to their needs. Just like with those who are in labor, the actual needs and my methods for meeting those needs can different and vary greatly from person to person. Students usually have assigned work to complete while in my room, but when I see their needs are overriding their ability to even think about schoolwork, I attune to them. Perhaps they really need to talk, eat a snack, briefly exercise their bodies, or even take a nap when I find out they were at work all night. Other students just need space to be with their own thoughts for a while. I respect that time may be needed before I can talk much with students who need that space. Overall, I honor student needs and ensure, within the guidelines of school and county policies, that they are met. 

Like with doula clients, no complaints or feelings are too silly. My respect of all that student expresses opens up a greater feeling of emotional safety, allowing emotional room for the student to eventually really hear any new perspectives I might share. 

I feel honored to be the one teacher in the school who only has to think about how to honor, respect, hear, and eventually engage students in personal growth and character lessons. Even the lessons I share have developed into a curriculum that the student and I form together as we learn more about each other. In most cases, I write a new lesson for each student. I never perceive myself as the expert of what the student needs to learn and know. I have ideas, and I ask students to inform me of preferred learning styles and topics to make our growth conversations and activities more engaging. 

I have been a classroom teacher in the past, and dividing my attention from student needs with an academic curriculum was too painful for me. Creating assignments for the whole class was disheartening as well because I felt each student needed their own individual assignment. For so many years, I suspected I wasn’t programmed to be a teacher because I saw other teachers who thrived while balancing a curriculum and truly reaching the students on an emotional level. When I became a birth doula, it was such a good fit for me that I wondered over the years if there was a way to bring how I worked as a doula to education. And now I’m so excited because I am actually working as an education doula!

As far as attending births in the future, I’m not sure if I’ll attend more than the 104 I have witnessed in the past seven years. During this past year, while adjusting to my first year as the alternative learning center (ALC) teacher, I only had time to attend one birth. I had been hired to attend a second birth during that same school year, but my health crisis hit me just as Covid was hitting our country. Since my health crisis resulted in my being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, it has become essential for me to prioritize my health. As a result, I don’t know if I will ever again be an on-call doula who can get up in the middle of the night to attend births. Part of respecting my health includes consistent, scheduled sleep. Now I need to also have a consistent work schedule to honor my sleep. Perhaps there will be a different opportunity one day to attend births that happen within certain hours of the day. I just don’t know. For now, I will feel peace in knowing that no matter my career, I am a doula everywhere I go. 

Isn’t Lamaze a Funny Breathing Technique?

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Lamaze childbirth classes have been around since our parents gave birth to us. While hearing about a brand from our parents helps us with awareness, it’s not the best marketing. Like all brands that have been around for 50 years, Lamaze has made some updates over time. Actually, your mother who told you to take a Lamaze class would not even recognize the modern class if she went to one today.

From previous generations, we hear our mothers talk about how different breathing techniques were taught as the dominant strategy for coping with labor. However, based on research, Lamaze now states that breathing techniques are not evidence-based comfort measures. Now women taking a Lamaze class are encouraged to breathe either normally or to mindfully practice slow, deep breathing in labor. More importantly, breathing is not even emphasized as a major comfort measure. Labor management techniques rely more on relaxation, labor position, movement, and physical support from the people supporting you at your birth.

Speaking of breathing techniques being removed based on research and evidence, did you know that Lamaze is up-to-date in scientific research? By constantly updating its educators with the latest research, Lamaze is easily the most current childbirth education class you can take!

stock pregnant woman photo

To learn more about the myths of Lamaze, stop by the myths section on their website! Lamaze Myths

New Year’s State of Mind

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butterfly-picture

The concept of New Year’s Resolutions has declined in popularity, hopefully showing that as a culture, we are realizing making decisions to do things differently, backed by an underlying tone of shame and only needing to apply more effort, does not create effective, satisfying change. Characteristics we do not like about ourselves can attach to us much more firmly when we frame them as something we need to lose. Rather than try to change who we are, let’s change how we view ourselves to become more accepting of ourselves and others. As we come to accept how each of us is unique, and yet all the same, what we thought of as stubborn habits may melt away into a beauty that shines so brightly from within us, all who interact with us will only see our gifts and talents.

Listed below are some states of mind that help us all shine more brightly.

1. I am who I am.

The list of what we would like to change about ourselves can be long. A great place to start is by really accepting, “I am who I am.” Perhaps I frequently arrive late to events. Shaming and criticizing myself doesn’t help me get anywhere faster. Accepting that I am a person who has a more fluid view of time than others provides me with more peace for this characteristic about myself. Once I feel peace with myself while preparing to go to a destination, I have more presence of mind to actually be present in the moment and see that it’s time for me to leave the house.

2. In this present moment, all is well.

Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, is a great game-changer for what is in people’s heads much of the time. Apparently the thoughts streaming through our minds are consistently about the past and the future. With our minds remaining in times outside of now, we are able to remain in a constant states of crisis. We think about everything that has gone wrong in the past, and the future is open to so many more possibilities for life’s problems. However, the actual, present moment, not a minute from now, is completely okay. Stay in the moment that is happening, taking calm, deep breaths, and give your body a chance to stop pumping the adrenaline and pressure on yourself.

3. To let go of judging myself, I will avoid judging others.

Of course we all judge people. To say to never judge again would not be possible. The unfortunate part about judging others is that it causes us to continue to judge our own selves more harshly. In the moment, it may feel better to judge another person and think we are in some way superior. The long-term problem is that we then assume everyone else is judging us. Then we drop into feelings of disgust for the aspects of ourselves we assume are being judged.

Accept others. Assume the best. This shift in thinking will help us realize we all are human and that we can accept who we are as well.

4. I feel what I feel.

We all experience happiness, sadness, excitement, anger, and all of the other feelings. There might be a moment of angry rage that doesn’t make sense. Don’t judge the feeling. Know that everyone sometimes goes through these weird emotions that may not match the situation. Just honor the feeling, note that the source of what it felt is likely from something unrelated to the current situation, and gently give time for the feeling to subside.

river-and-sunset

5. I will do more of what brings me joy.

This is not as much a state of mind but conscious permission to honor what gives you pleasure. Perhaps you like being alone, reading, window shopping, going to parties, hosting parties, writing, golfing, meditating, spending time with friends, organizing, running around your house naked, or anything else. Do the things that make you happy, allowing you to feel more in touch with who you are, honoring yourself.

Happy 2017!

Nine Things About Labor and Birth That Come as a Surprise To Many Women

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  1. The Long Process of Being Admitted to the Hospital

If you are having your baby in a hospital, there is a lengthy admission process before you can carry on with your birth plan. It involves monitoring the baby for his or her health status, a blood draw, a vaginal check, and an endless amount of questions. Typically these steps can take between 45 minutes and a couple of hours to complete. If your baby is exiting your body during this time, you may skip the entire admission process, though you will still have to answer all of the same questions after your baby is born.

 

Whether you are planning a medicated or unmedicated birth, the default position for admission time is spent with you in the bed with a monitor strapped on to you. A great strategy to get through this time is to ask if you can stand beside the bed or sit on a birth ball while wearing the monitor. By being in any position other than on your back, you may find this time more tolerable.

 

If you are planning to use pain relief, do know that the admission process has to be completed before you can receive anything.

 

Once your admission process is complete, you can move forward with walking and following what your body tells you to do to continue moving your baby down and eventually out. If pain medication is a part of your plan, you can choose to have it administered at any time after being admitted.

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Crickett Photography

  1. Fluids

So much will come out of your body during labor! As you move around, prepare to wear a substantial pad to absorb what is flowing from you. The nurse may suggest an elaborate absorption set-up that seems absurd to you. Go ahead and take it. The nurse knows how much can come out of you. This applies whether your water has broken or not, but if your water has broken, you will leave a trail on the floor without the massive pad system in place.

 

  1. The No Food Rule at the Hospital Still Includes Some Options

The rules from anesthesia are starting to change about women not being able to eat during labor. However, not all of the hospitals have changed their local rules just yet. If your hospital says you cannot eat food and you are a strict rule-follower, do know that in most cases, the nurses are happy to provide you with endless water, juice, ginger ale, jello, broth, and popsicles.

 

  1. Foley Catheter

Even the 100% unmedicated birth might require a couple of uses of the foley catheter. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you cannot release your urine. A full bladder can block a baby from being pushed out, so the foley catheter can be used to help you if you can’t make yourself pee as needed.

 

If you decide to have an epidural, know that you will have no idea if you need to pee or not. You also won’t really be able to make yourself pee even if you are told your bladder is full. A foley catheter will be used from time to time to keep your bladder empty while you labor with an epidural.

 

  1. Epidural Does Not Usually Equal Relaxing Until Baby Arrives

There are occasions when a mother receives an epidural and relaxes until her baby arrives. These occasions are rare. Some epidurals do not affect the body evenly, and some just don’t quite remove pain from every place where it is occurring. Prepare those who will be supporting you during labor to possibly be providing comfort measures even while you have an epidural.

 

In other cases, though the epidural is relieving any pain, your baby’s heartrate may drop in certain position. If this happens, your nurse and support partners will be rolling your from side to side until baby looks better on the monitor.

 

If you do get an epidural that relieves all pain, and your baby tolerates it well, it is still a good idea to change positions every 30 minutes. Every time you change position, it gives your baby a chance to move down. When you are only on your back, your baby has to travel uphill.

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Crickett Photography

  1. Shaking

Even women who have taken birth education classes sometimes are surprised by how their bodies shake as labor progresses. It happens to most people. Know that it is normal and a positive sign that you are getting closer to meeting your baby. Most women will state that they aren’t cold, but they just can’t stop shaking. Sometimes a warm blanket or someone’s hands pushing your shoulders together can help you feel better if the shaking bothers you.

 

  1. It Really Feels Like You are Pooping Out Your Baby

It can be alarming when you are pushing and suddenly fear that your body is doing the birth process completely wrong. It will feel exactly like the baby is coming out of your butt. The baby is not coming out of your butt, though.

 

  1. Placenta – Labor Isn’t Quite Over After Pushing Out Your Baby

You’ve just pushed out your baby, and you’re snuggling him or her on your chest. Yay – all done! Well, wait, there will be more contractions and another little birth. Some women don’t even notice they are delivering their placenta while others need to turn their attention from their baby to an effort to push. It is still a part of the birth, though, even though you’ve already met your baby.

 

  1. Fundal Massage

You might be completely in love with your nurse after all the intense time you have spent together, but after you birth your baby, you might feel a little betrayed. She still has all the warm, fuzzy feelings, but she really does have to push very firmly on your belly to make sure your uterus is contracting to a smaller size and that you don’t have an excessive blood clot situation going on. Also, she will have to repeat this “massage” every 15 minutes for the first hour. Fundal massage does happen after the first hour, but it’s not as aggressive as your first few experiences.

Valentine’s Eve Eve Frenzy

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Running HeartFebruary 13th is the last school day before Valentine’s Day, so at home my kids and I are preparing their valentines on the evening of the 12th. Our family is recovering from a week-long illness, and I am fortunate that my mother-in-law took my kids to shop for loving characters of their choice earlier this week. I know she was thinking ahead for me by getting each kid a box of valentines that already had a matching tattoo in it. No need to add a piece of candy or some other small bonus with the card. Minimal work for the mom in a rush. Not that our valentines would have been picked out any differently if there had been no illness in our home and I had purchased them myself – we are consistent in our skill to patiently wait until the deadline to complete a task in our family. Actually, it’s only me who has the gift of patience. My husband is driven to accomplish tasks ahead of schedule. No need to focus on his weaknesses, though. Still, looking at the box, I felt comfort in knowing a class of completed valentines was just a step away.

My plan was to open a box for each of the kids, set them up on the table, and let them add their own special touch to each card. My son would write his name on his, and my daughter would place a sticker on hers.  Simple and fast. Unfortunately, a visual scan of the actual contents of the box revealed there was much more prep work waiting just for me. All of the valentines had to be separated. All of the tattoos had to be cut apart. Then all of the tattoos had to gently eased into two not-as-precise-as-I-would-like slits on the valentine. Resisting my urge to abandon ship, I spent the next hour carefully placing all the tattoos inside each valentine, narrowly avoiding ruining each one as the clear paper on top threatened to separate from the tattoo is was protecting. Whew!

Finally it was time to call in the kids to do their part. I figured my daughter would have an easy enough time placing one heart sticker on each card and that my son might get frustrated with having to write his name somany times. Should I hover and watch? What if they mess up the tattoos? What if my son writes in the wrong place? What if my daughter takes everything apart? I decided to walk out of the room and let fate decide the designated destination for those notes of love.

IMG_1240Once I returned, I was surprised to find that my son had quickly created an organizational system to write his name on each card and and place it in a “completed” pile. My daughter, however, felt that rather than one heart sticker per card, she should decorate with eight to twelve heart stickers per card. She did run out of hearts, but I found some smiley face stickers for the other valentines. We survived!

For a family attempting to dodge all the crafty aspects of a holiday, we still managed to get rather involved. Perhaps the manufacturer’s of these “easy” cards are actually designing them with more work to keep people from cheating? It seems there’s cultural pressure to stop and give thought to the love and care that’s being expressed. Would it be easier to break out the construction paper and make our own cards? Could I find a quick and easy idea on Pinterest? Who knows? I’ll start thinking about ideas for my kids’ cards next year, the night before Valentine’s Day.

Breastfeeding: Wading Through Advice and Resources to Find Your Way to Success

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Photo by Crickett Photography

Photo by Crickett Photography

From the moment I put my first baby to the breast, the advice started. Nurses, doctors, lactation consultants, relatives, friends, strangers, instructional books, discussions on the Internet, support groups, my dissatisfied baby; they all had something important for me to make sure I followed! I didn’t know it right away, but some information was helpful and would be essential to continuing my breastfeeding relationship with my baby. And other advice, strict rules, warnings, and “helpful” suggestions, if attempted, could have resulted in more challenges and possibly the end of breastfeeding for me. I feel fortunate that I was able to wade through all of the contradicting resources and find the information that was helpful for me.

It’s frustrating, but sometimes the professionals who you would think you should trust the most can be the most harmful by providing incorrect information. To initially manage the influx of advice, it can be helpful to consider everyone, no matter the credentials, as a resource you are consulting, not the final expert!

I asked some breastfeeding women to share examples of questionable or harmful suggestions they received from different sources so I could present a more clear picture of the confusing, contradictory, and inappropriate advice women are being told by their healthcare providers and loved ones:

Danger Bad Advice Ahead

 

“Yes, I can prescribe that, but I would just stop breastfeeding,” suggested by an OB.

 

 

Statements from different pediatricians:

“In our practice, we don’t clip a tongue-tie until breastfeeding fails.” In this case, breastfeeding was on the verge of failing.

“Breastfeeding just ‘isn’t in the cards’ for some people.”

“Just get over it and rip those scabs off.”

“He’s not gaining weight because he’s probably anemic from not giving him an iron supplement.” This baby had an undiagnosed tongue-tie.

“He can’t be allergic to foods other than soy and dairy.”

“Dairy sensitivity is ‘just a fad.'”

“Some babies are sensitive to dairy but nothing else.”

“If he’s not latching correctly, you just need to not let him nurse to show him who’s boss!”

“Give him solids at five months to improve his weight gain.”

“Many moms like to take a weekend at a hotel and leave baby with family.” This was suggested for a one-week-old.

“You should supplement your baby with formula instead of your pumped breast milk.”

“Your baby is nursing way too long. You should stop and give him a pacifier.”

“A six-month-old baby cannot live on breast milk alone. You are starving her by not giving her solids or formula.”

“The benefits of breastfeeding past a couple of months are debatable.”

“Give your baby cereal to sleep through the night.”

“Since your 2.5 month is in the 98th percentile for weight, you can let her cry at night because she obviously doesn’t need night feedings anymore.”

“Babies need to get used to formula anyway, so you may as well start now.”

 

Statements from lactation consultants and nurses:

“He’s so big; there is no way you can make enough milk to feed him.”

“Your NICU baby will never be able to nurse and you could never keep up pumping, so why bother?” This baby did breastfeed, and this mom had thousands of ounces in extra milk to donate to other babies while feeding her own baby.

“Your baby was just born. There’s no way she’s hungry already.”

“Tongue tie is just a trend.”

“Use sugar water to get him to latch.”

“Your baby won’t latch? She’s being lazy and stubborn, so you just need to be more stubborn than her and force her to latch. She will stop crying eventually and get it.”

“Breastmilk won’t help jaundice. Give the baby formula in a bottle, 60mls, every two hours to flush it out.” This baby was two days old.

“I don’t see a problem with the latch. Just keep using hydrogels.”

“You’re doing it wrong, and when you’re open to help, let me know.” Breastfeeding was actually going well.

“Yeah, it will probably hurt for the first few weeks until you get used to it.” This baby had an undiagnosed tongue-tie.

“Don’t let him use you as a pacifier.”

“I’m sure your latch is fine.” The LC wasn’t watching the baby nurse!

 

Statements from other professionals, family, friends, and strangers:

“It would be so much easier if you would just give her a bottle.”

“If her latch is bad, why don’t you just give her formula?”

“Give your six-week-old cereal to help him sleep better.”

“Give him water when he wakes up at night to help him start sleeping.”

“You are overfeeding and that’s why your daughter is spitting and has gas. You should nurse her less.” Actually the mom had overactive let-down and oversupply.

“She nurses too much. You’re spoiling her.”

“You have to feed on both sides every time.”

“Make sure you hold your breast down with your finger so she doesn’t suffocate.” This led to mastitis.

“Just switch to formula so your life is easier.”

“Use a toothbrush to scrub nipples and toughen them up before the baby comes.”

“Stop nursing her while you have the flu so your baby doesn’t get sick.”

“I have a lip-tie and I’m fine.”

“You can’t lactate during pregnancy. Either your milk will dry up or you will have a miscarriage.”

“You should wean at a year because, well, that’s what you do with bottles!”

“Didn’t you just breastfeed her? Well she probably needs a bottle then.”

 

These statements aren’t shared to discourage you from seeking help. In some cases, you may not be sure why the advice is unhelpful and may need to research to find out more about certain breastfeeding challenges. However, being knowledgable that credentials or experience do not always equal expert knowledge about breastfeeding can help you discern where to find your information.

Breastfeeding BabyWhere do you find the accurate and appropriate breastfeeding information? If possible, start your research during pregnancy. Find a local La Leche League, Breastfeeding USA, or other breastfeeding-focused group. Go to the meetings, socialize with the women, and find out which professionals in your area are truly helpful. If you’re unable to find recommended local help for your questions, consider checking with well-trusted websites. Some good examples include http://www.llli.org, https://breastfeedingusa.org, and http://kellymom.com. Join online breastfeeding support groups to gain broad feedback about your questions. If you choose to follow advice, do your own research before making a change. This is when you’ve hopefully already found a recommended IBCLC or other professional you can trust to help you with finding evidence-based research.

Another step toward a successful breastfeeding relationship is to listen to yourself. Are you trying to make a change because you are truly worried or because other people are telling you to be worried? On the other side, are you ignoring a possible problem because you honestly feel everything is fine or because others are reassuring you all is well? Listen to yourself and listen to professionals who speak to your instinct. Follow up your decisions by checking on evidence-based research, and you can feel confident you are taking the right steps! 

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I want to add a disclaimer for women, who for any reason, are not breastfeeding their babies. Wether you made the decision to not breastfeed, you were unable to find adequate support, you have a unique health status that affects breastfeeding, or if all of your hard work to make breastfeeding happen did not result in a nursing baby, you are an absolutely awesome mom who loves her baby! While this post is about helping mothers find success in breastfeeding, it is not meant to imply any negativity toward those who do not breastfeed. All moms and all mothering styles need support and respect!

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